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How Men Are Killing Themselves

Posted on : 08-11-2013 | By : Edward | In : Blog Home

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It was a sad funeral, a young man, Tim, just in his early 30s had committed suicide. His wife Mela became a widow at 29 and their son Mike was left to grow up without his father. Everyone was crying and it was hard for me to do the funeral without crying. What had driven this young man to do this to himself and his family? Why did he snuff out his life? Nobody seemed to know the answers.Man hiding from wife

I was disturbed about Tim’s death for several weeks as I wondered what had driven him to his death. I knew him to be a very driven young man with an ambitious dream, hardworking with a clear sense of direction. I was surprised the day Mela came to see me and as we talked, she told me the story of her last year with Tim. As we talked, I began to see telltale signs of what might have dragged Tim to his grave. I thought through my life and a few other men I know and I could see some of the signs. It was evident to me that men do push themselves to the grave early. Think about it, when you think about those in your family aged sixty years and above, I bet more often than not, the ladies are still alive but the men are gone.

Here are the signs I saw in Tim’s life. I trust that you will see these and choose to change your life and if you are a woman, you will learn how to help the men you know.

1. Riding Solo – Men tend to do life by themselves. They can have many friends but none of these friends really knows what is going on in their lives. As men, we almost think it is a weakness to share our frustrations and challenges. We talk less than women and tend to also share less than them. A man can be dying or his stuff is about to be auctioned and none of his friends know about it. Mela learnt this the hard way, after Tim’s funeral, she discovered that he had a debt of over 2 Million shillings. He had been borrowing to keep his business going. None of his friends knew about the debt. As men, we need to break free from this tendency and begin to do life with others, talk with your wife, let her know how you are and what is going one. Find another man who you can share stuff with. Don’t just go and watch Arsenal play, share stuff, open up and let other people into your life. You’ve got to stop riding solo.

2. depressed-black-manCanning emotions – When growing up, boys are taught that men don’t cry and showing any emotions is a sign of weakness. Men learn from a tender age to hold in every emotion especially when it has the appearance of weakness. Men hide their tears whether they be tears of joy or pain, excitement or frustrations. Mike had mastered the art of canning every little emotion but slowly by slowly, the Can got full and it could not hold any longer. If only he had opened up and shared life with others, talked about what he was going through and allowed others to see his pain, his hurt and his wounds, maybe he would be alive now to read this but he is gone. Men need to learn to open up before they self destruct.

3. Assuming Pressure – Men tend to think they can handle their pressure and therefore tend to do nothing about it. They will refuse to go to hospital because they can handle it, refuse to seek for help because they can handle it, refuse to ask for direction even when it is obvious that they are lost because “I have got this”! As they assume their situation, things become worse and then they are gone; the disease kills them or they get lost and end up in trouble or the pressure leads  them to suicide. Statistics from around the world confirm that men rarely visit the doctor when sick and this is said to be one of reasons men die younger than women. The American Psychological Association pins down “doctor avoidance” as one of the causes of early mortality in men. Depression is a disease that many men live with and never seek for help because they assume they can handle it. Man hiding emotionsIf you have never done so, just check out the depression symptoms and see where you fit in or you can take a depression test here. As a man, kill the pressure today by realizing you don’t have everything in control, you don’t have to be and if you are lost, the best thing you can do is ask for directions even if it is from a child. Recently, my daughter told me, “Dad, you need to sleep, you are tired”, and that was very good advice.

Mela is trying to make headway in life, trying to establish what they owned and what they owed. She is having an uphill task because her man was riding solo, canned his emotions and assumed his pressure. Everyday she discovers something new, a new debt, a new bank account or a new investment and she wonders what a mysterious man she was living with. Her cry is for men to stop riding solo and open up to their spouses, to stop canning their emotions and to stop assuming the pressure. I am walking away from this kind of living and heeding her call, would you care enough to join me? Let us live differently from here going forward.

Are there any points you would add to these that cause men to end up in trouble? I would love to hear them. Please add them below in the comments section.

Blessings

 

 

 

Comments (19)

Great read there for Me an advice and counsel..God bless u pastor Munene

i thinks contemporary church should also be active and engage the men more on an upclose manner through mentorship programs and rolemodeling. Useful read though.

Hello Passie, At Times Wives Tend To Be So Judgemental & Will Put You Down & Eventually Kick You To The Curb. As I Read Through Your Excerpt I Saw My Life Unfold Before Me. Suicide Rode Me Like A Mule For Long (1 Attempt & God’s Miracle), What It Failed Alcohol Was Keen To Finish But By God’s Grace I Am Now Free.
I Am Separated With My Wife & Oh Yes The Pain Is Excruciating For I Miss My Two Adorable Kids. I Heal Everyday & I Have Surrendered All To God.
I Have Seen His Wonders, Just Landed A New Job & I Know He Will Wholly Heal & Restore Me Despite My Fears.

Brother,

I cant claim to fully fathom ur pain but my assurance is that He lives. Keep trusting in God and he will lift you to heights you have only ever imagined. Stay blessed

Kev

Mungu akubariki sana passi.. So true and its time to change for all the men out there.

How timely pastor, I just learnt yesterday that a friend of mine from high school lost her husband 2days ago under the very same circumstances. He leaves her behind with a son, she is 30years old too! I worked with a coleague who seemed to be in a similar situation and began falling into alcohol dependancy but thankfully withdrew before it was too late! I agree, let’s take the initiative and seek out our brothers before it is too late!

“I can solve this. No need to trouble you” (nor to show my vulnerability)
Wouldn’t it be better just to admit that we are all wanderers of uncertain day-to-day, but of certain inevitable destiny through Christ. We are intended to lean upon that Great Shepherd constantly, and upon that deposit of His great heart in other lives. Living needs transparency. Mutual burden bearing. Galatians 6:2.

Nice read. Shared it with my male family and friends out there. My heart goes out to our men who have been taught to hide what they are going through because the opposite is deemed a weakness. May God grant you grace and wisdom to share your heart with someone so that you dont leave behind a life half lived and a surprise burden to those you leave behind.

Suicide is an easy way out for many people especially when they can’t cope with lifestyle change.

May God help menfolk to recover from this painful sickness. Thanks for this eye opener

How can we help our men, be they our husbands brothers, eve fathers? The pressure in the world can be immense and they need to know we stand by them. We desire to stand by our husbands but they in turn need to learn to trust and open up.

Thanks Passie this is an eye opener!

Hey passie! Spot on. The other thing would be comparing themselves and competing with other men materially, consciously or unconsciously and most times they can never measure up, then they get frustrated. Forgetting what the bible says about comparing ourselves with others is foolishness. 2 Cor 10:12. Keep standing for truth.

Pastor Edward, I’m not sure anyone has added this to your list, but men never or rarely take a rest, a brake, a holiday! What they call “Leave” usually is an opportunity to catch up with that unfinished private project, maybe construction work that need his personal supervision, the business on the sides, work in the farm, study for exams, or go for a high octane gospel mission! The list is endless.

The point is, we don’t rest (I am working on this!) or go on leave proper, a holiday away from the rut of work, business and everything else that define our daily schedules to put bread on the table. A time to just relax, whether alone or with family, be refreshed. And that doesn’t have to be an expensive affair.

Everything else am thinking of would still fit in the three broader points you’ve mentioned above.

So true.

I really like the blogf..very informative. I hope all men read this so that they know what’s eating them up…Keep up the great job and may God give you more insight on many other subjects..blessings 🙂

This is a good work Edward. may God enrich you with more insights

Thank you very much pastor for the true words written herein. If only our husbands, brothers, uncles and sons could read it.

With manhood in Kenya under attack,thanks for reaching out to them.

Good read right here. Timely! Thanks Pastor Munene

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