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Beware: The Silent Relationship Killer

Posted on : 15-07-2013 | By : Edward | In : Blog Home


couple Sam looked away from the files he had been reading through and noticed most of his colleagues were not at their desks. “lazy bones” he thought to himself. As he turned back to his files, he happened to look at his laptop clock, “11:30pm?” how did this happen? Where has time gone? As he sat back to think, he remembered his wife and panicked, “she must be very lonely and worried” he thought. Their relationship was not doing well and Sam knew this would add to the problems. Why hadn’t Mary bothered to call? She always calls. Sam quickly picked up his stuff from the desk but could not find his phone, where was his phone? After searching frantically for fifteen minutes, he decided to go home without it and off he rushed.

Sam found his phone in his car, there were twenty one missed call notifications from his wife and several text messages but he had no time to read them, he needed to get home and apologize, he hopped Mary would forgive him one more time. Just one more time. Hadn’t he asked for one more time already? Sam wondered what would happen, Mary had already indicated that she was tired of this marriage and Sam had begged her many times not to walk away but he seemed to always get into trouble again. Getting home at midnight might just be the end, he angrily hit the steering wheel and hopped it will not be the end.

Couple sitting up in bed, both looking away   Original Filename: couple.jpgUnfortunately, Sam and Mary ended up separating, Mary could not take it any more and Sam seemed doomed to never keep his promises to his wife. The marriage ended not because of an affair or because the two did not love each other but because of a silent killer of many relationships.

The silent relationship Killer

There are enough marriages that have been destroyed by this killer and many broken engagements that it has wrecked. It is a silent killer because in subtle unannounced ways, it creeps in and by the time people realize what is happening, it is normally too late to do anything.

This silent relationship killer is known as selfishness, yes, selfishness. Sam always thought about himself, many times he would just think of what he wanted to do, his work, his fun, his projects and would completely forget his wife. Sam would get so driven by the task at hand that he would end up not remembering to even look at the time. When he got home, many times past ten in the night, he would expect his wife to be awake waiting for him. He would even have the audacity sometimes of waking her up to warm food for him. When things did not go his way, Sam would get angry, shout and demand his way, he had always done this but when confronted, he would always defend himself and accuse his wife of not caring or treating him well. Sam allowed his selfishness to kill his marriage.

I sat down with Sam recently and I could tell he is a changed man, he regrets the separation and he is trying to do all he can to be able to win her love again. Mary on the other hand is still trying to recover from the manipulation, the accusation and from the emotional abuse of being used to just fulfill the selfish desires, whims and ambitions of her husband. I felt sorry for Sam and I committed to help him. I know it is not easy but it is possible to heal the relationship but Sam has to walk away from selfishness and begin to think and consider his wife even before he considers himself.

Is your relationship safe?

Just like Sam, there are very many men and women alike who are ruining there relationships simply because they always think of themselves above their partners. hurting womanIt is impossible for a relationship to thrive when one party or even both are driven by selfishness and do not consider the other person. Many of these people do not even see there selfishness, they always blame their partners for not caring or even understanding. You cannot ignore your partner and then turn around and accuse them of being too demanding. Selfishness causes a person to be blind to the needs of others as they only think of themselves. They see their needs, their efforts, how good they are and how deserving they are. They never notice the pain they cause or the trouble they put others through. A selfish person just thinks about themselves and no one else. Selfishness is by far the worst curse, biggest problem and greatest challenge of the human race.

Any one who desires to have a great relationship has to walk away from selfishness and learn to value the other person. Chose today to considers your spouse or your friend. Thin about them, seek to do that which will please them, make it your greatest ambition to value them above yourself and as you do these, may your relationship thrive. Pick one unselfish act that you can do for them this week and do it without expecting anything in return. In fact, why don’t you do one unselfish act everyday that will communicate your love and then go ahead and do it.

May your relationship thrive

Comments (30)

This story is nothing new to me, I remember being in a similar situation, the guy was so egoistic that I remember asking questions about his whereabouts used to bring problems, he would be so selfishly consumed by his work etc and expect me to understand etc, eventually he dumped me, cause I was not understanding about his selfish time given to work work, distance, smoking etc

Hi Sarah,

Sorry to hear you went through a break up with a man who stuck to his selfish ways and wanted you to understand instead of him seeing his folly. I pray that God will bring a man your way who will love God and love you genuinely and will not selfishly live his life just for himself.


Thank You Pastor. Edward, in God’s time, everything works beautifully, I love God so much.

Very interesting read…i love expect nothing in return! wisdom..what happens if one is selfish but they don’t seem to know?

Hi Hellen,

Thank you for your kind words and for letting me know that you did pick up nuggets of wisdom from the post. Interesting question you have there, “What happens if one is selfish but they don’t seem to know?” Well, a number of things the partner or friend need to do is 1. Pray for them and trust God to help them see their selfishness and how it is affecting others. 2. With wisdom and gentleness, help them realize that they are acting out of selfishness in the way they behave or act. Don’t accuse, don’t blame, just gently seek to help without trying to make them look bad and make yourself look good. 3. Don’t try to change them but instead, seek to deal with your own selfishness. Hope these are helpful. I am sure you can list more.


Really good post. Absolutely right. I liked your “homework assignment.” Excellent!

Thank you Lou Ann, I am encouraged and blessed by your kind words. May the Lord richly bless you

Excellent article. Speaks a lot of truth, and not just in regard to male- female relationships. Every relationship calls for selflessness. Thanks for writing. God bless!

Hi Marie,

I agree, selfishness destroys every kind of relationship and should be avoided. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words.


yes, its a good article, well researched and also very true, its even real cause even peaple have a experiences that such things actually happens, Pastor, Edward, keep up the good work.

Thank you Sarah, I will keep on writing and you keep reading and pass the word out also. Blessings

Hello pastor ,your article talks much of wisdom and inspiration ,i gonna not miss this again, thanks and more blessings

Hi Faith,

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. Keep reading.

God bless you

Nice article, thank you……….the scary part is that a person can be selfish without knowing they are selfish…..

I know women like these also…


It is true, men and women tend to be like this sometimes and it kills relationship.

I would wish that all couples read this article….niceeee!

Woow now this spoke directly to me, am in a kinda similar relationship and I dont like how it goes when he gets all busy and forgets I exist at times and worse its that we in different countries. Asking doesnt help either because it gets translated to being a nag. I just wish I can know wat to do or help him get the message.

I identify with you..i was in a similar situation but on the other side.. i was the guy who was always super selfish with my lady and definitely saw her as a big nag to the point i would avoid spending time with her. Now that i came to know better, here is my advice on what finally made me see the light. Treat him one weekend..Take him out to his favorite football game/restaurant as a friend and re-live those great times you shared as a couple. usually i noticed my lady would pick the wrong settings e.g when we were having a fight to highlight my selfish nature which never worked. i always took her to be an even bigger nag and a journal keeper! anyway..after having a good day with him and having had his fun, sit him down e.g over evening coffee and talk to him AS A FRIEND pouring out your heart and telling him that things cant move on as it is as he is hurting you badly. don’t place threats of leaving him but let him know you wont tolerate that treatment as he is not being a friend to you. Be very factual as we guys like to argue on facts.. not how you feel about things. and yes his selfish nature will defend itself..But most importantly let him know that as his friend you do love him and just want him to be better person. Then leave him there and let him just think about what you talked about..and that if he is to get in touch with you in the future he should tell you his action plan going forward on dealing with this problem AS A COUPLE not on his own. i tell you it didn’t even take me 1 hour to run after my woman and hug her so tight confessing my weakness. as i sat there all alone in that coffee shop that evening..thinking about the great day i had with her and how i would miss her if was to EVER loose her..i realized she was spot on about everything and i did love her to bits. She is an amazing friend to me and i thank God she didn’t loose patience with me but corrected me with grace. Good luck.

“When things did not go his way, Sam would get angry, shout and demand his way, he had always done this but when confronted, he would always defend himself and accuse his wife of not caring or treating him well. Sam allowed his selfishness to kill his marriage.”

That describes someone I know. Wow!!

Hi Yvonne,

I do pray the person you know has learnt his lesson and will not repeat the past.

Thanks for reading.


This is the situation i am in at the moment en everytime i confront him, all he says is that all i knw doin is complainig! Hes just my fiancee, i wonder what will happen if at all we are goin to get married #confused

Hi Everlyne,

I am sorry to hear how things are going between you and your fiancee. I would propose the two of you sit and talk candidly about this issue as things are bound to get worse if you move on and get married when he has not dealt with the issue. Hiding behind the accusation that you complain a lot will not help things and will bring you heartbreak. Talk about it and deal with the issue.

Blessings, praying for you.

Amazing bundle of wisdom right there,I know many people who go through this and its so difficult to detect if you are an outsider looking at the relationship. It’s made worse by the couple who each own a car because they never get to catch up or talk about something on the way somewhere in a shared vehicle..I know a couple who sold one of their cars so as they have no excuse but to be together in the shared car. And the relationship became better.

You are such a blessing Pastor. Barikiwa

Thank you Jayjay,

I am encouraged by your wise words. It is important for a couple to constantly be guarding against anything that can end up causing them trouble.

Blessings and keep reading.

Nice article pastor and very well put. But i think you missed out one very important thing..the partner is equally to blame. It always takes two to tango in any relationship. Just like in the story, the wife did nothing about the husbands selfishness. She took it all in daily until she couldn’t anymore. She never put her foot down and set the rules straight with him so that he could change his ways. Instead she uses threats of leaving him hoping he would see his folly on his own and change his ways. Fear and intimidation never work as weapons in love and friendship..and finally she walks out blaming her husband for his selfishness. This happens in many relationships. We allow the problem to grow and become a monster that we create then we walk out and blame our partners. It takes the collective responsibility of two to kill this problem as everyone has weaknesses. Otherwise i bet you 9/10 this wife who walked out will encounter another personality problem in her future relationship which again she will allow to grow and silently take in before walking out yet again. The cycle continues.

This is very educative for both partners.I purpose to work on my selfishness to be able to deal with the other when that time comes.God bless you Pastor Edward

Yes selfishness is a killer in relationships..I am starting to work on that now while still alone….I really enjoy your blogs, wanted to ask, how do i start my own blog?It has really been my desire to have my own…I hope its something I can do. Thanks alot for opening my eyes to the relationship killer.

The best way to be happy is to keep your partner happy; not just in marriage but even in our places of work and our everyday life encounters but unfortunately there’s no shortcut to this!

Pastor Edward, you are a blessing to many people who read your article. God bless you abundantly. Very nice and educative article

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