Featured Posts

How To Avoid Living in Regret I walked into the Java Coffee house at Nyali Center not sure of what to expect. I was here to meet with a man who had called me early in the morning asking if I could accept to meet with him urgently....

Read more

How Men Are Killing Themselves It was a sad funeral, a young man, Tim, just in his early 30s had committed suicide. His wife Mela became a widow at 29 and their son Mike was left to grow up without his father. Everyone was crying and...

Read more

How To Avoid Messing Up Your Marriage Ann was unable to stop herself from crying and I could honestly say, I was feeling pretty awkward. Sitting in a restaurant with a crying woman is very unsettling. I was encouraged though by the presence...

Read more

How To Avoid Messing Up Your Marriage Ann was unable to stop herself from crying and I could honestly say, I was feeling pretty awkward. Sitting in a restaurant with a crying woman is very unsettling. I was encouraged though by the presence...

Read more

3 Important Lessons That Can Hinder Divorce David sat across the table from me with tears in his eyes as he lamented of the things he had done. He regretted divorcing his wife after six years of marriage but now, Sheila his ex wife and their four...

Read more

  • Prev
  • Next

How To Become a Woman Worthy of Being Called a Wife

Posted on : 17-05-2013 | By : Edward | In : Blog Home


Esther was frustrated, her marriage of seven years was crumbling and she could not pinpoint what the problem was. Everyone around her, from family to close friends told her that she was lucky to marry such a great man yet they were always quarreling, arguing and never at peace. Esther was convinced that her husband was the problem, he was the reason they were unable to even agree on simple things at home.
happy coupleEsther had gotten married in a lavish wedding, they were in love and they had done a memorable wedding to demonstrate just how much they loved each other but all the love and affection seemed to begin fading away once they arrived home from the honeymoon. Ever since, Esther had been wondering how one can be so in love yet despise her love so much. She could not understand what was wrong with her marriage but after seven years, she decided she had to do something radical, she sought for counseling.
After meeting with her counselor for two sessions and being helped to see what she needed to change if she wanted her marriage to change, Esther was faced with a tough choice, either accept she needed to change or end the marriage. Her counselor had been categorical, Esther had not been a wife even though she carried the title, she had a husband but she had no idea how to be a wife.
Being a wife is not just about having a husband, giving him sexual favors when you want and living together. Let us explore together and see what Esther learned from her counselor and learn what it takes to be a wife. Every women needs to learn these things and men need to know these things and give their spouses the encouragement and space to be wives.
To be a wife, every woman needs to practice the following four things, four points that make a wife, a good wife:
1. Relating Refreshingly – In counseling with many married men, the number one complaint that consistently comes up is that their wives will always be ready at home with a list of things to complain about, questions to ask or issues to raise. These men would confess how they would stay at the office to just avoid going home to face the “inquisition”. The last thing on a man’s mind in the evening is answering questions, explaining things or being taken to task. To put it another way, a wife should never do this. Remember Proverbs says, “It is better to dwell at the corner of the rooftop than live with a quarrelsome wife.” When a woman learns to refresh a man with her words, to speak encouragement and adoration, to lift him up with words not bring him down, she qualifies to be a wife and not just another woman. Proverbs 31:12 says, “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” A wife brings her man good not evil, not criticism and ridicule but good all the days of her life.
Beyond looking at her talk and words, a woman worthy of being called a wife brings connection between her husband and the home, she helnagging wifeps to relate (connect or join together) the many pieces of the family by connecting the man, the home, relatives, friends and even projects and money. A wife therefore plays an important role of joining together and not separating, she unifies and brings harmony and order. In the bible, we see God creating man and giving him a job to do in taking care of the garden of Eden and the woman was given a relationship. Men tend to think in projects, work, assignments but women relate everything. A wife makes the connections refreshing and exciting for those involved and her man will take pride in her. She ensures the home runs well and her family is clothed, well fed and organized. She brings the connection to ensure all works out and goes well.  Esther had to stop competing with her man and learn to relate, connect and join together what was going on in their lives. She stopped expecting him to clean the house, know what was going to be cooked and what the house help was going to work on.
2.  Respecting Continually – A woman worthy of being a wife is a woman who continually respects her husband in words and action. I have had it said that a man should earn respect first before the woman can respect but I disagree strongly. (We are not talking about husbands here. You can read about husbands by clicking here) A wife should respect her man even if she feels or thinks that he does not deserve it. Men need respect more than they even need air. I know that is a hyperbole but it helps to drive the point home. The moment you disrespect a man, that is the moment you begin to destroy him as a man.
Many wives destroy their man, rob him of his masculinity and then wonder why he does not step up to be the protector, provider and pursuer he ought to be. You deny him respect and then wonder why he cannot even perform in bed? Let us put it simply, if a woman wants to be a wife, she needs to choose to respect continually the man she marries. This will actually turn around for her good because that husband will be ready and willing to do almost anything for her.
Esther had spent seven years disrespecting her husband with her words and actions. She had been told just before her wedding that men were like children and needed to be controlled and she had been doing that without realizing that she had been destroying her family and marriage. She had to quickly learn to respect her husband and allow him to be the leader he needed to be. Ephesians 5 verse 33 now means a lot to Esther, it concludes by saying, “…and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
3. Romantically available – Women want to be loved, to be cared for and comforted. They want to be needed and pursued yet the paradox of many marriages is that the same women are unwilling to give themselves to their husbands romantically. What if you let him hold you and caress you even if you are not happy over something he did? If you love being held, tell him and when he wants to hold you, be available. A wife constantly stokes the fires of romance in her marriage
romantic coupleBeing available has an element of being attractive and desirable. To many wives are attractive and desirable for their bosses than they are for their husbands. A woman should be most desirable and attractive at home than anywhere else. Cut out that old buggy tshirt, remove the stocking from your head, throw them away as quickly as you can. When I sat down with Esther’s husband, one of his complaints was, “my wife is not the woman I married”. According to him, she used to be attractive and desirable to look at but after they got married, he would mostly see her at home and she was always dressed shabbily in some funny tshirt or something and was not the smashing girl he had fallen in love with.
Why, oh why do women do this? A woman worthy of being a wife does all she can to be “hot and stunning” for her man not for the office or the guys she will meet somewhere in the course of the day. A wife should make sure that, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” Proverbs 31:11.
4. Rejoicing in womanhood – Let us face the truth here, too many women are trying to act like men, live like men, drink like men, perform like men, compete like men and work like men. Girls are being told that there is no difference between them and boys but I beg to differ. I am a father of two girls and I know how different girls are from boys. Buying my daughters toy cars resulted in the cars being held and cuddled and sometimes being given imaginary food. Girls have menstrual cycles and their bodies are different from men. Beyond these differences, God created women for a totally different role from men. That role is not inferior it is just different but the feminist movement has taught woman today that they need to stop being feminine or women. When it comes to marriage, we have women getting married and trying to be men and then the marriage crumbles and we wonder what happened.couple fighting
You have heard it said that what men can do, women can do even better, well, truth is, what men can do, men can do and what women can do, women should do. Esther saved her marriage from collapsing the day she decided to stop trying to be the man and instead started working at being the wife she needed to be. As she did this, she was surprised at the turn around in her marriage. She was loved, treated with respect, romanced beyond her wildest dreams and she came to see what people had been telling her about her husband, that he was indeed a good man.
A wife will never see the good in her man until she stops seeing him as a competitor or enemy. She has to accept her God given role, empowered by the word of God to be everything she can be. If you think being feminine is being inferior, check Proverbs 31 verse 10 to 31 and see an industrious hardworking, confident woman who is praised by her husband and children because of all that she does.
When a woman steps up to be a wife worthy of being called such, she steps up to impact her husband and her family and is worthy to be praised. Esther stepped up and yes, she is to be praised.
Are there more qualities that a woman needs in order to be a wife? What are your thoughts regarding the points above? Leave your comments below and let us build each other up.

Comments (55)

awesome post. What if the husband doesnt provide for his family and despite the respect, and submission, is a very moody husband that takes it out on the wife and kids. A husband who never sees the efforts of the woman trying to look good as well

Hello Rita,

Have you read the previous post to this one? We handle the man and his role there. Read them together and see what the man ought to work towards.

Very encouraging. Now I know what I have to do.

Hi Ruthie,

Thanks for the compliments and may the Lord bless you and increase you as you live out the lessons.


This is also a good article.

I’m concerned on how to relate this to my domineering personality. I tend to be the ‘life of the party’… I’ve been told severally, does that mean I have to lose myself to accomodate what you have said above? How do I incorporate the above?


Thanks for your kind words. You do not need to loose yourself and this is not even suggested in the post. You can be the “life of the party” and still respect, be romantically available, and relate refreshingly with your husband. Why would you feel as though practicing these four things would make you lose yourself?

It seems, being a woman, and being ‘the life of the party’ is not a womanly role. It is a man’s role. Men are loud that’s what goes with their role. Men don’t take it kindly when their wives are the centre of attention (correct if i’m wrong).

However, I do get what you are saying above, you can be the life of the party. All I need to do is ensure, what you do or say, does not disrespect your partner in anyway. You should be mindful of what you say or do.

I say this, because once you get married, you’re told to avoid your single friends, you’re told you cannot do what you used to do while you were single. Which I agree with, but to a point. You can’t dance on tables anymore, that’s obvious, but one night of relaxation away from your partner, should not be looked at with such condemnation.

I hope you understand my dilemma.

I hear your dilemma but I am not sure we see eye to eye on it. Relaxing away from your partner once in a while can lead to walking away from your partner several years later. Trust me, I have been married for over 16 years and have been counseling for a while now and have seen that being a real danger. You can actually go relax with your partner and have fun together but this will depend on whether you got married to your best friend or just another guy.

My advice, marry your friend or make the one you married your best friend. Am I making sense?

Yes you have. I have inferred what you were getting at.

May the Lord continue to bless you and your works abundantly.


I liked the men’s article on how to be a husband better. this article has confused me.

I have a request. Can you make some time and do an article on Conflict in relationships, both marriage and ‘non-marriage’… If you can focus on Passive aggression/sulking and hot-tempered men and women.

London’s Burning,

Will write on your request in the coming days. Thanks for the encouragement.

What has confused you about this post? Let me know and lets dialogue.

I’m trying to relate what you have stated above to everyday life.

Will these four points help in reducing conflicts in relationships? Will the conflict continue if only one partner is doing their part? What occurs when only one person is committed to changing and the other is bent on frustrating the other party? How can a partner convince the other party to look at themselves first before ‘throwing stones from their glass house’?

Just like the points on men earlier on which can be practiced and the partner still refuses to cooperate even these points for women can be practiced even if the partner refuses to cooperate. The woman can practice these daily even with a spouse that is frustrating. Such a wife will seek to relate well, using words to build not destroy, words that are kind and refreshing. She can show respect even when disrespected (but I am not saying she tolerates physical abuse, there are channels for dealing with that) and ensure that her partner sees the difference in her.

On a different note, remember this is a sequel to the earlier note…

Hi, this is great advice for us who are not yet married, but will be soon. Thanks!

Hi Stacy,

May you be blessed richly and may your marriage be the best thing ever to happen to you. I pray that you will enjoy yourself and grow in every area.


The best advice I ever received before I got married was to concentrate on my role as a man and that it was not my responsibility to prefect my wife on her role. It’s working wonders. I have enjoyed reading both articles to husbands and wives.

Hi John,

Glad you have read the two posts and have been blessed. Keep reading, there are many more. The advice you received is spot on, work on what you can and that is you and trust that your spouse will do the same.

God bless you

A great article ! What I’ve seen is that we go wrong when we wait for the other person to do their bit to “earn” our bit to them.Your article is spot on.Keep teaching Pastor.You’re saving marriages.

Hi Rose,

I count it a privilege to serve and bless others. Indeed we go wrong when we wait for the other person instead of doing what we ought to do.


I have never considered stepping into a church or getting a Christian marriage counselor but this has completely changed my mind. The pragmatism in your posts is beyond belief. I told my fiancee that at long last, I know of a church I can step into and feel happy that the message will remain relevant to realities of today’s world 🙂

Hi Kamau,

I am humbled by your words and honoured to have blessed you. May the Lord lead you and bless you and your fiancé. If in Mombasa, you are welcome to ICC.


Thanks for the above scripture I feel well lifted. Why do wives of same brothers and sisters in-laws mostly hate each others?

Thank you Pastor.

Such a good read. Kindly share something about Long distance relationships.

Hi Girl,

Thanks for the comment and encouragement. Will cover that in one of the upcoming posts but allow me to ask, what aspect of long distance relationship are you looking at? Whether they work? What needs to be done? Whether they are good? Please let me know.


Hello, i long to be married and i love the institution of marriage with a passion but i seem not to find a good and christian man..what it is it that am not doing right?I wish to have a one on one conversation with you.How possible is that?

Hi Happygal,

Are you doing anything wrong? I don’t necessarily think so. Keep waiting and trusting God and in the meantime, be the woman who God wants you to be and for sure the man will come in good time. You can contact me through twitter or facebook, the links are on the right side of the blog, or write to me using info(at)lifession(dot)com

Thanks for the assurance that God has not forgotten me. I have wondering for a while what it that i am not doing right while my friends are getting married very easily..Over time i have asked God so many questions even a revelation of what it is that is not right with me. Will inbox you with the email address you gave. Many gratitude all the same. Barikiwa.

“what men can do, men can do and what women can do, women should do”>>>
Why is it not, “what men can do, men SHOULD do…”?

Hi Joyce,

Simple reason, this particular post was addressing women. Check the previous one to see what men “must do”…


edward,I think this article is a good read especially because there a few acknowledgments i.e that women being different does not mean they are inferior..However I do think you contradict yourself for instance that acknowledgment and the claim that men need respect as much they do air…isnt the same requirement for women? I have not seen the same in the husband section… In this vein I do believe that it is for these very reasons that some men will use to disrespect and to that extent you are solidifying these myth using religion…what do you think?

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for your kind comments and even stopping by to read my blog. I do hear your point and honestly, it can be taken by some to mean men can disrespect their wives and get away with it but two key things are,
1. Men do need respect in order to be able to function as men. Disrespect emasculates a man and robs him of his potential and that is the point I am addressing to the women.
2. Women do need respect but they need love more than even respect and I noted the following while addressing the men, “…Open doors if that speaks love to your wife, buy flowers, cook dinner, clean the house or whatever else that will communicate love to your wife.” now, that there speaks volumes as some men feel that is demeaning to them to do such but we are to love our wives and show them love in a way they understand. One cannot love their wives this way and disrespect them at the same time. The two cannot go together.

In summary, a woman is respected through being loved and a man is loved through being respected. Does this make sense? Is it clearer?

Well done Passie,
I believe you always provide hope to the hopeless and encouragement to the discouraged.

Well done and God bless

wow..i love this.so enlightening

this is so encouraging and have a lot of teaching, just love it

Lovely post Pasi! I was going to comment on the ‘male version’ of this post but decided to read this first! Glad I did that! I have a lot to work on!

God bless!

Love this!! Was almost standing up to give an AMEN at each and every point!! This is also a great read for singles looking to be married. So many misconceptions on marriage. Having been married myself for over 12 years, I can add that other than complaining, men really don’t like angry bitter women.

I’ll be sharing this piece on my page for sure!!!



Thanks for adding your voice to the conversation. An angry bitter woman is to be avoided at all cost according to the unwritten Man code. Thank you. Please pass it on and God richly bless you

Wow!.. Very encouraging for the woman of today.. recently l read an article in the magazine “Woman’, ‘Money’ and ‘Power”… it’s a gud thing. But we might not be in a position to differentiate.. the limits.

I like the truth in all you have said. The world is a harsh place and it has made women hard and not feminine. The world doesn’t give room for women to Be intouch with their emotions and it always feels like one is going against the current.
Another point is we (men & women) sail in the same boat only we sail from different directions. Marriage,relationships are 2 way. As much as the women need to be wives the men need to be husbands and fathers. But where are the fathers? Who will teach their sons to be the head of the home,the provider,priest,protector. Teach them their God given responsibility of being the head and not the neck or nothing at all.
A lot of divine intervention is needed for God’s plan to sail through. What we have going now is so tainted, we need to go on our knees constantly. .
‘men love your wives,women submit’ plain and simple but yet we complicate everything. Always.

Great Article there.God bless

That is so encouraging I have points on how to solve my family issues.we destroy our families ourselves that is a good story to solve our problems.

very helpful i appreciate

Thanks pastor. I am not married yet and have been wondering about what happened to the woman that God made. I see her recreated in this article. Thanks for sharing this marriage saving article. Truly Hosea 4:6 suffices here. ‘My people perish for lack of knowledge’. It is time to have the marriage and family as God intended.

Nice. Too good.

thanx pasi,now i can start practis and prepare till wen i get married

Wow! Even though av read this a year later. It has really spoken to me. God bless you pastor! I also wish i cud talk with u one on one, bt al contact u thru ur email ad given above.

woo! thanks soo much, this’s ma check list as a wife

Thank you for these words of wisdom! I believe God is preparing me to become a wife of noble character even before I know the man who will be my husband. On Sunday night I read Proverbs 31

Dear Edward,

Asante sana for this article. I hope to use these points someday; if i find a life partner (wish me luck)! I fall a victim in this area. I am the type that believe i can do everything, very sad i think it pushes away potentials. However, i will work at it so that God’s will is done. Asante tena!

Excellent post. I certainly love this site.
Stick with it!

Hi daddie,, thats simple yet profound. Becoming a wife worth the title….mmmmhhh…a journey unending, letting go the stereo types embracing the truth as we grow.wise counsel!

What a word …May this get into those wife’s who are just wife’s ,,,,

Thanks for your wishes and prayers. May the Lord richly bless you also

Write a comment